Moving on with my life...

12:56AM - www.StopStarbucks.com - SIGN PETITION TO STOP UNION BUSTING AT STARBUCKS!!

Everyone please go to http://www.StopStarbucks.com and sign the petition for Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz to stop union busting.

I've been union barista working at Starbucks for three years. Things have got to change. Please help us do that by checking out the site, signing the petition, and also checking http://www.StarbucksUnion.org

Also, if you are a barista or know one and are interested in talking about work and/or the union you can email me anytime at liberte.angrybarista@gmail . I'll get back to you immediately.

Please forward this to whoever you'd like and post everywhere.

You're solidarity is truly appreciated.

love and respect,
Liberte Locke
IWW Starbucks Workers Union - NYC Chapter
union delegate and worker bee

Current mood: optimistic

Current music: Which Side Are You On?

12:08AM - Conflict Resolution?

Dear Chris,

Fuck No! There will be absolutely no "conflict resolution". I still don't forgive you, I still hate you. Live with it. It may be six months later but I'm still not okay. I have to live with this for the rest of my life. He raped me and you continued to date him, I want nothing to do with either of you. Fuck you both.

Liberte

Current mood: furious

4:56PM - Resistance and Repression in Oaxaca

[entry stolen from surgeon's frienster]

October 30th: Update from Oaxaca City
by cbossen http://www.chiapaspeacehouse.org/en/node/341
October 30, 2006
Any hope that Oaxacans held that the PFP would serve as peacekeeping troops has been shattered. The city is quite clearly under siege. In the center, thick clouds of black smoke hung heavy in the air as the APPO burned the buses that the PFP had arrived in, attempting to prevent helicopters from seeing well or landing or to prevent PFP from passing. In fact, the entire city seemed to be burning; there was thick smoke visible all over the hills.

The center of Oaxaca City transformed into a nightmare yesterday afternoon. Each block closer to the Zocalo was a new war zone, a level deeper into the maze. Billowing storms of black smoke filled the streets from the burning carcasses of buses serving as barricades. Turning a corner meant suddenly coming face to face with impenetrable lines of federal police in full black riot gear, the stinging scent of tear gas thick in the air. Their gas masks, helmets and shields made them look something like mutated life size cockroaches rather than human beings. The people seemed fearless, thin bandanas tied around their mouths and noses they stood with poles, rocks and Mexican flags shouting centimeters away from the never-ending swarms of black helmets. From all directions their compañeros ran to meet them, parking signs and wooden planks in hand. Dull yellow bulldozers could be seen rattling in the distance behind the troops. As the sun set, parts of the center became eerily abandoned except for the charred skeletons of vehicle barricades. The ground was soft with ash. The next block over was invisible through all of the dark grey smoke. Bright headlights could be seen creeping through the smoke and the voices chanting sounded far away like ghosts.

In the afternoon, Channel 9 was attacked. The state television station, Channel 9 was occupied by 2000 women of the social movement on August 1 and, until August 21 when it was attacked by priistas and all equipment was destroyed, it served as a key voice for the social movement in Oaxaca . Teachers and APPO supporters have continued to guard it with barricades in the hopes that they would be able to repair the damage and broadcast again. The barricades were also an attempt to prevent the state government from doing the same. During the attack, one nurse, one teacher, and one 12 year old boy died, and more were detained or disappeared. The death toll for yesterday, October 29 th has yet to be determined, given the number of disappeared. According to the Jornada, over 50 people were arrested, many from their homes.

At 7pm , the transmission of Radio Universidad was cut - the fear of everyone supporting the movement. In the hills on the other side of the city, we could hear the unified shouting: "¡Fuera! ¡Fuera! ¡Fuera!" (Out Ulises!) at one of the barricades. Individual supporters whistled to each other to the rhythm of the famous chants "ya cayó, ya cayó, Ulises ya cayó" (Ulises has fallen) and "el pueblo unido jamás será vencido" (the people united will never be defeated).

The radio came back on within a half hour, reporting that the electricity had been cut, and there had been damage to the some of the lines. They demanded that the Federal Commission for Electricity repair the damage and not be complicit in the repression.

Early this morning, many of the callers on the radio were women, calling in to ask about their family members who have disappeared. A grandmother called lamenting the murder of her son-in-law and her two orphaned grandchildren. Another woman, holding back tears as she reported that her parents who have been at the Channel 9 barricade all along disappeared last night.

The radio continues to announce the highest of red alerts. The entire university campus is now surrounded by federal police and helicopters fly over the radio installations. They call for people to reinforce the barricade and for the government to respect the autonomy of the university.

essage from the
CLANDESTINE REVOLUTIONARY INDIGENOUS COMMITTEE-GENERAL COMMAND
of the
ZAPATISTA ARMY OF NATIONAL LIBERATION
MEXICO.

October 30, 2006.


To the people of Mexico:
To the people of the world:
To the Other Campaign in Mexico and the other side of the Rio Grande:
To the entire Sixth International:


Compañeros and compañeras:
Brothers and sisters:


It is now known publicly that yesterday, 29th of October 2006, Vicente Fox's federal forces attacked the people of Oaxaca and its most legitimate representative, the Popular Assembly of the Peoples of Oaxaca (APPO).


Today, the federal troops have assassinated at least 3 people, among them a minor, leaving dozens of wounded, including many women from Oaxaca. Dozens of detainees were illegally transported to military prisons. All this comes in addition to the existing total of deaths, detainees and missing persons since the beginning of the mobilization demanding that Ulises Ruiz step down as Oaxaca's governor.


The sole objective of the federal attack is to maintain Ulises Ruiz in power and to destroy the popular grassroots organization of the people of Oaxaca.


Oaxaca's people are resisting. Not one single honest person can remain quiet and unmoved while the entire society, of which the majority are indigenous, is murdered, beaten and jailed.


We, the Zapatistas, will not be silent; we will mobilize to support our brothers, sisters and comrades in Oaxaca.


The EZLN's Sixth Commission has already consulted the Zapatista leadership and the following has been decided:


First: During whole day of November 1, 2006, the major and minor roads that cross Zapatistas territories in the southwestern state of Chiapas will be closed.


Consequently, we ask that everyone avoid traveling by these roads in Chiapas on this day and that one make the necessary arrangements in order to do so.


Second: through the Sixth Commission, the EZLN has begun making contact and consulting other political and social organizations, groups, collectives and individuals in the Other Campaign, in order to coordinate joint solidarity actions across Mexico, leading to a nationwide shut-down on the 20th of November, 2006.


Third: the EZLN calls out to the Other Campaign in Mexico and north of the Rio Grande, so that these November 1st mobilizations happen wherever possible, completely, partially, at intervals or symbolically shutting down the major artery roads, streets, toll booths, stations, airports and commercial media.


Fourth: The central message that the Zapatistas send and will continue sending is that the people of Oaxaca are not alone: They are not alone!


Ulises Ruiz out of Oaxaca!


Immediate withdrawal of the occupying federal forces from Oaxaca!


Immediate and unconditional freedom for all detainees!


Cancel all arrest warrants!


Punish the murderers!


Justice!
Freedom!
Democracy!


From the North of Mexico.
For the Clandestine Revolutionary Indigenous Committee-General Command of the Zapatista Army of National Liberation.
For the EZLN Sixth Commission.


Subcomandante Insurgente Marcos
Mexico, October, 2006.

9:23AM

Best Punk Rock Zombie Movie Quote Ever!!! Guitar Wolf tells Ace this in order to convince him that it's right to be in love with the trannie girl Tobio that he just met. Aww...this movie was so cool.  Hurray for Japanese Pansexual Rockers that fight zombies and aliens with swords that come out of their guitars!    and you can't see it but my icon on this entry says, "We're going to help my rock 'n roll blood brother, Ace."

12:20PM - FRIENDS ONLY////

yeah, friends only, okay?

8:33PM

jennie and i drank a shot everytime that bush said terror, terrorist, terrorism, and evil during his 9/11 anniversary address.  we got very drunk.  

man, if we had also drank to "enemy" , "freedom", or "america" then we we have had to throw up a couple times in order continue drinking.

also, my favorite quote is "blah, blah, blah...across the desert of depotism"  and "freedom and moderation"....that man makes no kind of sense.

he also mentioned that "we" are watching the bank accounts and listening to the phone calls of "our enemies" and by enemies he meant suspected terrorists that are american citizens.

he is a creep.

Current mood: drunk

10:10AM - one concern down, several to go

I'm not pregnant.

Maybe this shitstorm is finally letting up.  I really didn't want to be faced with any decisions about that.  gawd.  I couldn't be more relieved.  Now onto the harder things.  kwan yin, give me the courage to finally set up counceling. 

Current mood: relieved

Current music: mixes

3:18PM

I should own a time machine.

5:54AM - ah, labor issues...don't be a scab!

this guy on craigslist posted a thing about wanting to sell his pet snakes because he couldn't care for them since he was going to Hawaii to be a flown in as a scab for a resort whose employees were going on strike.

Here is the email that I sent him:

"wow, you're going there to replace resort employees while they are striking?!?  way to be a SCAB!  that's disgusting.  they are putting their livelihoods on the line in order to fight for better working conditions and you being flown in there and making more money than they make while they're on strike makes them have to strike even longer.  have some fucking respect for fellow workers.  don't go.  "

and here is his response, i can't help but laugh...

"OK, first of all, im going because its in Hawaii. If these people really valued their jobs, then they would stay and work. Scab? OOOhhhh.... that is like hearing a 7 year old tell me that I suck. Whooptie fucking do...

If you dont like it, honestly, go fuck yourself.

Your opinion means as much to me as jews mattered to Hitler.

Now, not to sound repetitive, go fuck yourself.

Ill be in Hawaii in a FREEroom, 3 FREE meals a day, and FREE airfare.

Beat that.

Now, go fuck yourself!

DmCP"

oh, and PS his email is "douchebag Mcpickle" <douchebagmcpickle@yahoo.com  ...you know, for entertainment purposes. ;)  what a dillhole.  he probably created this email in order to respond to me, now who is the 7 year old? *LOL*

Current mood: not surprised

10:42PM

I had been craving crossaints since starting at Starbucks.  I used to love them when I wasn't vegan.  So I was able to find a really good recipe for vegan crossaints on veganlunchbox.com.  It's awesome.  It takes a lot of patience and 7 hours to make 16 crossaints that are gone in an evening but it was worth it.  I feel so loaded on bread though.  They are half whole wheat crossaints...ugh, my tummy is heavy.  I'm very excited that I was up for making them though.

Honestly I feel that if I hadn't become vegan than I would not have ever gotten into baking at all, let alone bread products.  I feel an entire day of beating homemade bread coming upon me.  Whenever I'm really emotional I try to find a day to make several loaves of homemade bread by hand.  The process of "punching the bread" is very theraputic and I end up feeling so much better emotionally once I've managed to produce food with my labor. 

I feel so much less active physically than I'd like to be.  I continuously feel the urge to get my bike fixed or buy another used one in good condition but being broke it would be impossible and once I'm paid I can't see using the money on that when I still feel uncomfortable traveling out in the world...I would feel far too vulnerable while biking alone.  The most harassment I've ever recieved was while biking in this city.  Like a woman on a bike is instant prey and should you not enjoy such advances, then you're likely to get hit by the car of the harassers or threatened with such a thing.  I feel like no where is safe.  If my personal life can become unsafe than how can I expect a world of strangers to be any safer?

The world is such an ugly place.  I know there are still beautiful things but all I can really see is grey, even when the weather isn't as crappy as it is today.  They didn't fix the levys in New Orleans and another hurricane is on the way.  More people are going to die, and so much of what has been rebuildt from scratch by survivors and volunteers will be torn down again.  How many "new starts" does any one individual have in them before they give up, give in, either kill themselves or live as hermits?  How much can New Orleans take?  How about Palestine?  Lebanon?  South Africa? Sri Lanka? the women of Juarez?  Iraq?  It all just seems so endless.  Injury upon injury upon injury...   and my struggle on this earth is so small comparatively but painful and tiresome nonetheless.  Coming from a childhood of homelessness into an adulthood of poverty, wage slavery, strife, and intimate assault.  It's not easy for any of us.  And I don't have any of the answers.  I can't stop any of it.  There is just a solid grey everywhere I look.  This city isn't the only one that has stopped caring.

I just got off the phone with dear comrades of mine that moved to Philly to start their lives over with the birth of their son.  If these two beautiful people that have both spent time in palestine and lived to tell the tale can decide to bring a child into this world then perhaps I one day could as well.  I used to want to have a girl child and raise the greatest little feminist who would carry with her (ze depending on identity) all the stories of the women in my family, the struggles that I've been through, that my mother has been through and my grandmothers.  Now I can't help but hope for a boy, this world is not designed for women to be any part of it, though we are the start of all of it. I would still raise a feminist.  I understand of course that regardless of birth gender my child would have a difficult life based on class alone, nevermind if the child is gender variant, queer, intersex, born or develops disabilities of any sort...so many factors count into why a individual would end up experiencing great pain in their lives.  Perhaps having children is cruel.  I would much rather adopt if it becomes possible, who knows what laws/policies/practices could end up changing by the time I'm prepared to raise a child.  On the phone my friend asked me if I wanted a kid and I said "yeah, very much."  And she, being euphoric from her birthing experience,  urged me to do it.  Saying it's one of the most important, wonderful thing that has ever happened to her.  The whole conversation made me so sad.  I miss my friends.  I should have left chicago when they did.  Many of my waking moments are spent thinking of "should have"s and "shouldn't have"s.  Still blaming myself for things that were never my fault.  

I'm feeling really down today.  Still trying to muster the courage to set up my counceling appointment.  I have such a hard time telling people that I'm close to about what's wrong, how am I supposed to tell a stranger?  it would probably help but this is just something I never thought I'd be going through.  i hate admitting that I followed the "it will never happen to me" crap and I didn't think I did but apparently I did.  why?  why has this happened?  aren't I worth more than this?  isn't everyone?  nothing can make this go away.  even an apology isn't offered.  i don't know why i dwell on that so much, realizing that it wouldn't make things right.  I guess I just want to feel that what happened wasn't supposed to cause this much harm, that it wasn't malicious.  but what is it if it isn't malicious, selfish, cruel? 

2:12PM - "Shine" - Havana

Don't wanna get out of my bed today.
Just wanna lay and float away,
let all the pain and strife pass me by
cuz I'm so high...
But I'm not and I gotta face reality.

You may think I'm dreaming,
but inside I'm beaming cuz I'm gonna shine, I'm gonna shine.
you may think I'm dreaming, but I'm gonna shine.

Just cuz I'm down, I ain't frown.
Keeping a smile on my face cuz you know that I've got grace.
Always acting ugly, I don't let it faze me.  Don't matter if I fit in, you know I ain't tripping. 

You may think I'm dreaming but inside I'm beaming, cuz I'm gonna shine.

-----
yeah, some songs just stay on repeat in my cd player until I'm done feeling like i need to hear them.

Current mood: contemplative

5:25PM

this uppidity overly tanned white woman at work told me today that she was NOT going to leave her 15cents change in my tip box because she felt i took too long to take her order.

*lol*

"oh, please mrs. rich lady can i please have your 15 cents to spread amongst myself and 11 other co-workers and then see it on my check two weeks from now with taxes taken out of it?!?!  oh, please, oh, please, oh, please,  can I?"

gimme a fuckin' break.  at least everyone at work just refers to all the customers as spoiled brats.  i really like my new job, despite all that.  weird, huh?

ps hitch's new tumor is getting bigger.  ugh.  it's dangerous loving things only to live in fear of losing them.  i guess that's what life is.  but i really can't handle an animal death on top of everything right now.  i just might never leave my house again if that happened.

pps it's disturbing how easy it is to pass as having money when i take my piercing out and have "normal" long hair and a button up shirt tucked into khakis.  Assholes treat me like I'm worth something and working class people that make me feel more comfortable look at me with hatred and distain.  This is fucking with me.  I wish I could wear a sandwich board that stated, "i've been poor all my life and have been working since i was 14...please don't get confused".  

yeah, k, i'm done.  

oh, also...would i be fired if i just suddenly pepper sprayed a creepy rich white businessman that is staring at my breasts while I take his order?  yeah, probably.  then maybe they should stop creeping me out.

ok, now i'm done.

Current mood: caffinated

8:01PM - we're for fucking not starbucking...yeah, hmmm.

today was my second day at starbucks.  wow, i feel like i started college again, manual upon manual upon manual and computer training and taste-tasting.  i swear i wonder if i have enough space in my brain to remember all this shit.  i'm sure i'll get it down at some point but damn my head hurts.

everyone at work seems fairly cool so far.  and getting free drinks is nice.  i might actually keep this job for a while, at least until i can get the fuck out of chicago.  and the richest people in this city do not tip at all. that is what i've learned.  oh, and taking the cta in my uniform black dress shirt and khaki pants and starbucks hat, folks in my neighborhood have taken to calling me a yuppie and looking at me like i'm horrible.  i'm like damn, don't you see it's a uniform...i'm carrying a green apron for christ's sake.  yeah, i don't think i'm going to be wearing that hat out again, it was just easier than carrying it.

i won't bitch too much.  i was only out of a job for two weeks, two of the most horrible weeks I've had in years, perhaps ever.  Having a job right now is so important for me.  It gets me out of the house, which is hard but probably neccessary.  It also occupies me for most of the day so that  is good too.  My first day there I was able to really focus and rarely if at all think about all the pain i'm in, other than physical pain, which is now starting to subside which is relieving.  But today, even though it was busier.  Things were so hard.  I couldn't concentrate very well, rereading sentences in the books over and over.  And I've been so nauseous for the past week, with the knot in my stomach that won't go away.  I'm told this all gets better over time and I believe it even if it's hard to see from where i'm at right now.

oh, and all but 4 people at work are women.  that's exciting to me.  some of them seem really fierce and fiery too... it's good to be around.  It makes it easier to make myself go to work when i know i'll mostly be surrounded by women other than creepy businessmen.  but they're on the other side of the counter, where they should stay.  yeah, i'm kinda of fucked up in my head right now but i'm having more and more moments where i think i can do this, can live my life, can get out of this city, can start over far from here.  just taking one day at a time.

9:36PM

i start my new job tomorrow.  finally something works out in my favor.  about fucking time. :)  this is just the distraction i've been looking for.

Current mood: relieved

11:37PM

today was slightly easier.  i left the house and spent all day sewing things with my mom.  i didn't tell her anything.  i wanted one moment to not think about it all, one moment to try to just be myself, try to be happy again, try to ignore the physical and emotional pain I'm in.  to just let the time pass and remember that i'm still a person, that i can make it through all this.

getting myself to go outside was the hardest part but I'm glad i went.  i fear everything now.  leaving wasn't easy.  i can make it through this.  i don't know many people the way that i thought i did.  i see two sides to everyone and wonder which is the truth; the pain or the love?  i used to think both but now i think of good things and good times and wonder if that was the lie.  and hitch has another lump on her groin.  i'm wondering if there is someone that could make this entire summer just disappear...as if it never happened.  How can all this possibly happen to me in less than two months...how can i spend over a $1000 on animal vet bills, get fired just before being to transfered to a better store, have my heart broken and mended and broken and mended only to be shattered and thrown about and abused in the end and lose a lover and a best friend...how did all this happen to me in just two months?  and it's not even over, it will be six months before I fully know where i'm at and if I can move on from all this or if i'm screwed more than i ever imagined i would be. 

7:48AM

why do people hurt the people they say they love and then continue to hurt them, or try to, even after it's over?  why can't I just be left alone to try to heal and grieve?  nothing surprises me now.

Current mood: sad

6:41PM

i have a second interview with starbucks on monday, it would have happened on friday if friday weren't so awful.  but they accepted scheduling it on monday, except now i can't go to my food stamps interview for that morning or the radical menstruation workshop (at least i don't think so, can't remember the time for it).  everything is monday. 

i want that job, and then wed. i have the nanny interview.  i want both jobs, to just work every second my life and leave this fucking city and remembering to throw a molotov over my shoulder as i leave the city limits.  fuck chicago.  chicago is pain.  i feel like i can't trust anyone.  it's going to take me a very long time to heal from things that have happened to me in this city and the actions of people that i've been wronged by.  out of all the disappointments I've encountered personally here, i have to say I never thought this was going to be one of them. 

everything hurts.  i'm not feeling much of that heartbreak feeling, perhaps that will sink in once the rage lessens.  i deserve better than all this.  why love anyone when it's just used an excuse to hurt you?  why have friends when even they don't have your back?

i have roughly less than 10 or so people in this city that don't disgust me, beyond that - I'm just going to work and stay out of everything.  I don't want to meet any new people, i don't want to get close to anyone only to have them use me.  i'm usually a very (to a fault) forgiving person...and i don't forsee ever forgiving any of this.

Current mood: aggravated

1:37AM

"Even when we habitually stand up for ourselves and deal honestly and directly with friends, as soon as we become sexually involved, our assertiveness often weakens.  We lose our sense of who we are and what we want."

love can't protect me.  

my body is my own, no one elses.  power, control, disrespect, mysogyny, betrayal, shame, embarassment, fear, heartbreak, lies, societal conditioning, priviledge, pain, abuse, hurt, deception, disillusionment


at least I know that jennie is here for me.  she would never do anything like this to me and i love her for it.  it's good to remember that love can mean thinking about someone else's feelings and concerns and health. 

Current mood: depressed

6:09PM

healing time is now...i will be back in a few weeks perhaps.